Unicorns Suck and I Hate My Editor

Ramblings of Eric North

 

   Unicorns are the bane of my existence, resembling the retarded offspring of a horse, a goat and a narwhal, the unicorn is symbol of strength and peace, two things that should never be represented by the same creature. As far as I can gather the history of the unicorn is this; some doped-out Greek went to India and saw a one horned Oryx (a kind of antelope looking thing) from a distance he went back to Greece and told everyone about a magical, one horned, horse-goat that had the magical power to heal, but could only be caught by a virgin for some reason. Seriously not making this up, i think that the whole virgin thing comes from the desires of horny old bastards, you know the whole marrying a thirteen year old thing. If I could go back in time and kill that Greek asshole, I would. I would kill him dead.

   In today's society the unicorn is basically a horse with a dildo on it's forehead, a symbol of gayness and pansy-asses. I see a unicorn and I want to vomit, take a fork and jam it in my eye. People's fascination with these creatures continues to befuddle me. It seems everywhere you go there's some kind of unicorn something, a unicorn towel, a unicorn figurine, a unicorn glass. If I had a penny for the every time I saw a fat, white trash, ho-bag with a much too tight unicorn halter top, I'd have like thirty pennies and that's thirty pennies too many.

   Unfortunately, my editor (that Jew bastard) loves unicorns, he believes they actually exist and walk around the forests of the world granting wishes and holding congress with fairies and pixies and fawns and naiads and dryads (in my mind that's a recipe for a good animated porno, but what do I know). Now the ass-bite wants me to right an 'informative' article on unicorns. Well here's your informative article: unicorns are creepy, homosexual, horse-goats with delusions of grander and if you like them then screw you buddy. There might have been a point in history when the unicorn represented something worthwhile, but today it just serves as a way to make little girls and gay men spend money on worthless items. Good job America, I hate you and your fucking unicorn.

 

Image from: Sam Howitz's Flickr Stream