By Andrew North
It stands to reason that anyone weird enough to read a blog about zombies would be the kind of person who sits in the dark for twenty-three and a half hours a day eating Funyuns and drinking Mountain Dew and are only checking for updates in between Call of Duty rounds, which makes this the most important subject I will ever write on in Concerning Zombies. For the purposes of this expose I’m going to assume that everyone in the world is in just good enough shape to make it to their cars without leaving a puddle of sweat and vomit on the sidewalk. If you’re very lucky that’s as far as you’ll ever need to go. You can just get in the car, drive to the military run refuge for civilians (hopefully the one they built after they realized they should be checking for bites) and spend the rest of the zombie invasion being driven around by the government and complaining about not having enough food, particularly Funyuns. But not everyone is that lucky, some people, the ones who don’t retain the “safety” of a car, will be eaten in the sweat-vomit pile that they passed out in.
I’ve never understood how people can be so confident about surviving a zombie attack when lifting up a gallon of milk makes them grunt. Just about everyone can say with fair assurance that they can kill a zombie, even two zombies. But they can’t kill two thousand, no matter how much ammo they have, without the ability to move unremittingly. It really doesn’t matter if you’re able to kill a zombie if you don’t have the stamina to take down the next one. Having said that, it requires an exponentially larger effort to fight thousands of zombies than it does to simply run away from them and burn down the town.
There is a dangerous misconception that we are supposed to fight zombies, and eventually we’ll have to. But timing is vital to the efficacy of battle. Finding a safe haven should be the prime directive and getting there should the first priority. No one can really predict what “getting there” will entail but in a worst case scenario it will involve a lot of running. It’s for this reason that training to run from zombies is more important than training to fight zombies. One of the many advantages humans have over the rotting undead is the potential to run. If you don’t meet that potential then you’ve already lost an edge. Granted you may still have the ability to think, but thinking can only take you so far when any plan that involves physical activity more strenuous than climbing up a ladder must be ruled out.
You’re not only putting yourself in danger by being overweight and out of shape but also whatever ragtag group of pudgy adventurers you managed to scrap up. A group is only as fast as the slowest person, and if someone is so slow that the group is immediately endangered my advice is to slap a red shirt on that person and place him or her strategically between you and the zombies. Incidentally, this also applies to the extremely handicapped and the profoundly retarded. Just make sure that person isn’t you.
I can easily stress how important physical fitness is in relation to the dead rising but it’s up to you to decide that what I’m saying makes sense. At least it will be until you’re lying in your own bodily fluids being gnawed on by a dozen pale, merciless faces. Then the thought will come to you regardless of how you feel about me right now. So save yourself the agony of being eaten alive, and me the trouble of saying I told you so (or yelling it from the top of a construction site). Buy a damn jump rope.
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