Concerning Zombie Movies: Zombieland

By Andrew North

This being the first in what I hope to be a long line of zombie movie qualifications there are a few issues that must be addressed concerning Hollywood and the undead. A zombie film should always have education on its list of top priorities but entertainment always heads the list. I’m not condemning zombie film makers, at least not all of them, it’s their job to be our film monkeys and if we say we want a zombie movie with busty women and unlimited ammo then damn it they will dance to our tune. But because of this we often get a distorted view of what interactions with zombies will actually be like. Thanks to a need for dramatic effect directors have the luxury of making zombies slower and faster as needed and actors don’t need to worry about being scratched when they’re wrestling with them.

In light of that Zombieland was a refreshing portrayal of post Z-day culture. The people were cautious: There were almost no instances where a character was almost bitten because of negligence or stupidity (except for the female characters at the end, but of course girls don’t count; only boobs do). They wouldn’t learn each others names to keep from getting too close in case someone was bitten. They also cleverly illustrated that this does not work; you will become attached to someone that you travel with no matter what. There was also an unusually realistic sense of comfort, it was plain that everyone had gotten used to the idea zombies. No one was wondering what they were or why they were here or even how to get rid of the plague. It was just a bunch of people living in Zombieland.

The hero of the story, Columbus, was particularly brilliant in the face of our culture. I continually found myself thinking, “wtf? I am this guy.” And I know I’m not the only one. What gamer out there doesn’t have a collection of empty mountain dew containers, pizza stained shirts and an over rational way of thinking about zombie attacks? Trick question, the people who don’t have these things aren’t gamers. That’s why I and a host of other social degenerates are going to watch this movie at least three more times within the month.

So what can we take away from this movie that will help us stay alive when it comes true? The main character’s list of rules is an obvious tool for us to implement (you should take notes on the opening scene). Look before you shoot: it’s true that hesitation can kill you but that doesn’t mean we can get careless. Be very careful about trusting new people. It’s cool to bring new faces into a group and everything but some people are just dicks. Most importantly, clown zombies are the worst kind of zombies.

Over all it was an educational film. The zombies were runners, and climbers apparently, but most of the kills were believable and it gave a fresh look at life in the zombie world. I give it a Zombie Relevancy Rating of four out of five.